welcome ever get real good love show I'm your host Arlene Washburn I'm a science-based dating and relationship coach

and a Matchmaker and today we are covering the of how's that working out for you this is something that

came to mind because I've had a couple of recent interactions with they just happen to be women

and they were kind of arguing a point of how they are how they process or

what it you know it was a situation where they wanted to hold on to

this idea or action or process that's really not working on out for them and yet they're just

kind of sticking to their guns and I just find it very very interesting when someone is

not having success at something and they want to change their current status and that means not just relationships but

basically anything right the first thing we need to do is take a look at what what

are we believing where does this belief comes come from and how can we align our beliefs to help us

reach our goals is every step that you are taking getting you closer to the thing that you

want to achieve whether it's achieving attracting the right partner or anything in life Career Education Etc so

for example one of the interactions last night as a matter of fact I was

on a club in a clubhouse room and there was a young lady and and

that's the sad part she was very young and she I said well this is just how

I do XYZ and that's all there is to it and maybe that's why I'm single

but so be it and I mean my heart goes out to someone like that

because I'm like you're young you're wasting time and instead of embracing a new strategy a new

way of doing something believing that this is who you are and this is how you're supposed

to be in this is never going to change is so detrimental right to your growth because we

are all a work in progress until the day we die so I have this

book that well I have many books I used to read a book a week but this is

a really great book it talks about about mindset it talks about the growth versus the fixed

mindset and the fixed mindset believes that intelligence is static that you're born with a full capacity of what

you'll ever be able to learn whereas the growth mindset believes that intelligence can be

developed and so I find this so important to get this message across to people because they're holding

onto ideas and behavior that they feel this is just the way that I am

and I need to be accepted as is take it or leave it it but they're not

in a situation that they want to be in and so to give you some ideas of what these

two different mindsets are like the fixed mindset creates an internal monologue that is focused on judging this means I'm

a loser if things don't go your way this means I'm a better person than they are or

this means I'm a bad husband or wife or it means that my partner is selfish right versus the growth

mindset is instead of like there's something wrong with me they're more into like what can I learn from this

how can I improve how can I help my partner do this better and and so forth and so

on so I want to keep this very very short because I actually have an appointment to run and get

my car fixed but I can't impress upon you enough how important it is to consider

just consider that there is such a thing as a growth mindset and that you can this this

can be your status right you don't have to remain someone who has a fixed

mindset you actually can make the transition and Embrace challenges right because when you have a fixed mindset you

avoid a challenge of growth mindset will embrace it a fixed mindset has gets very defensive or

gives up easily whereas a growth mindset will persist to face all of the setbacks

and keep going and not let those things stop them a and since he's effort as a fruitless or

worth you know a war situation or a worthless effort right whereas a growth mindset seats

effort as the path to Mastery a fixed mindset ignores useful negative feedback just like

I've recent interaction that I had with someone who I had asked them for some photos and they

sent me photos and my feedback was do you have something a little bit less earthy because

the reality is if they weren't good photos of this person who is I know more attractive

than those photos which photos to begin with are very one-dimensional and so to get a good photo of someone

you need to have good lighting good composition the right angles Etc that doesn't mean

that you're doing a bait-and-switch just because you have a good photo maybe a professional photo as long as

you're not doctoring it up too much but this person not only continued to send me terrible photos

of themselves one after the other mostly selfies which are not ideal but then sort of

Justified that the reason why these are the photos that she uses is because men

have told her that they can't they don't appreciate the bait and switch and blah blah blah but the idea

was like send me a good photo of you that actually looks like you wasn't me saying

go get professional photos that don't look like you and we're going to use these to promote you

and but this fixed mindset of like will.i.am's what Iams as Papa used to say not gonna put any

effort I'm just going to be who I am that is also not the ideal scenario

right you want to put your best foot forward when you're a single person you out there dating and you're

looking to get out of that status appearance matters people perceive you based on your appearance you know

and that's just the reality of it whether it sounds superficial to you or not people judge a

book by it's cover and people just look at and then decide ok I'm attracted

to this so I'm going to move forward in pursuing if you can't even bring yourself to put

your best foot forward and look your best you're only delaying the amount of time is going to

take you to achieve your relationship goals and so that's part of the fixed mindset that I am is what

I am no you can change who you you can change you could you can improve we are

all the work in progress until we die even in your 90s you can still create new neural Pathways I

mean the science is coming out every day about our brains and in the growth

potential that we have so please consider going from the fixed mindset to the growth mindset and watch how your

future will flourish so there's nothing wrong with you just change the strategy right be

who you are that's okay but Implement a strategy that is getting you closer and closer to

your relationship goals business goals whatever goals you have and the only way to do that

is to be open and recognize that sometimes the mind that creates a problem can solve the problem so look

for information outside of yourself and Implement something new that's supporting your goals and getting you there

rather than continuing to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result we all

know what that is right so that is the message I have for you today

I hope that you will consider this and if you're not familiar with the book it's

a great book that's Carol dweck the author and feel free to reach reach out if I can

support you in any way to help you put your best foot forward and maybe

get you out of the thinking that's keeping you stuck pointing out some of your blind

spots and getting you on the path to love because everyone deserves to love and be loved and that's

it have a great day