hi everyone and welcome to the get real good love show I am your host Arlene

Washburn and we are continuing with our series from that we started last week talking about are

your criteria for a partner keeping you single I think last weekend I said is but I guess my grammatical

error came up on my slide anyway I digress so let's jump in and talk about you

know another reason why some people might be single let's see I don't know if you

can see the slide but basically we're talking about the spark the dreaded freaking spark that everyone wants

to feel when they first meet someone and a lot of people have this misconception

that the spark is necessary and that it means something in the real reality is that it doesn't and that

is a criteria that can keep you single for a very long time let's see I

don't know why this this light is not coming up properly but anyway the spark is a real problem and

most people feel that they they want that spark that they have to feel that

instant chemistry and that if that doesn't exist there's something missing and that's not the right person

but what the data shows what the science shows is that the spark is irrelevant it has

nothing to do mostly people to talk about the spark are people who are single who met someone

and felt this amazing chemistry but the reality is is in real life it doesn't matter the spark

means absolutely nothing so please stop chasing the spark or this instant chemistry that people want to feel

because it's irrelevant to a long-term successful relationship so again and I'm going to continue on

this theme right people think that love at first sight is the thing and it might be

in some cases there's no real good data about love at first sight I will

say that most of it is reported by men men are the ones who are

more quickly to say that they have experienced lover First Sight but in the majority you

know it's a rare thing and I've surveyed a lot of married couples over the years I've

been a Matchmaker and dating coach for a very long time and typically couples who have

been in long-term relationship most of them I would say the women in particular report that

they weren't even attracted to their significant other initially so again if you're looking for the

spark if you're looking for that instant chemistry or that love at first sight you might be passing up what

is a great match for you because you're hoping to have that when in fact a lot of

these long-term couples report that they weren't even especially the women I have to say that they weren't even a

not the to their significant other and it is there is a you know a

scientific thing called the mere exposure effect which basically just means that proximity and being

around someone for any length of time you know over time you start to see the

value that that person has versus their your initial attraction about whether or not only are they

attractive are they good looking you know all the things that we would superficially look look for kind of

goes away a little bit as you get to know someone you get to know their unique value and

that's why I can't stress enough that if you're using online dating apps or just in general

if you're meeting people and you go on a date go on that first date

and if there's anything there that could potentially be something go on a second date

and go on a third date and a fourth date until you are clear that this this is not your

person because people think they are being expeditious or you know trying to get to love quickly and

actually what they're doing is wasting a lot of time because they're letting all these gems go by so I

want to encourage you to go on that first second and third date and then determine whether or not you

are not into someone okay again you know no this whole thing about the spark right

and I'm just covering this one thing because I want to come back next week with something

different the spark is not necessarily a good thing it actually is more of a sign of

anxiety especially for people who are anxious who have an actress attachment style they tend

to feel you know this anxiety that they think it's a smart that you're getting the butterflies

about someone but actually that's not necessarily a good thing and again the person that you are meeting

who might be causing the quote unquote spark might just be a person was very

charismatic who you know has an effect on many people not just you and the worst part

is that that person could be a narcissist because narcissistic people do have certain characteristics that can be construed

as the spark okay so if I'm not beating a dead horse yet I just

want to keep keep impressing upon you that the bottom line is the spark doesn't predict a

if you're going to have a good relationship whether or not it's viable go for the

second the third and the fourth dates until you are sure that this is not your person

and allow yourself to peel back the layers because it happens so often that you

know people don't reveal themselves right away they might be humbled they may not you know

if you're one person attracted to someone who is very smart you may not know right away that that person

is smart so again if I can't express this enough forget about the damn spark and

get to know people go on enough dates to determine whether or not they're your person and then move on

if they're not in the last thing I want to say is to please join the AV

connections.com /join now join Dash now if if you are a single person who's looking for

a relationship or if you need coaching or if you want a referral to a Matchmaker in your area

reach out to me and I will be happy to give you some resources and that

is what I have for you today I hope it is helpful and I hope you'll tune

in next week at 2 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Wednesdays here at the get real good love show bye

for now