welcome everyone to the get real get love show I hope that you can hear me this computer's making a

lot of noise today so hopefully you can hear me today I am covering a little

bit of a controversial topic so I even made some notes for myself just to stay on

track but first I want to start with a disclaimer even though I am someone who to

Catholic school I do not consider myself at all to be religious I prefer to use research and

science to base my coaching to avoid any spreading of misinformation to so many of the single

men and women that are already quite frankly inundated with a lot of BS so I'm

really trying to lower the misinformation which is what's up out in our society today I don't particularly appreciate

you know putting myself into any kind of box so I don't consider myself any one

category and I'm just and I apologize to make this about me but I do need to put these

disclaimers out there because I kind of you know move to the beat of my own drummer so

I don't I'm not a conservative I'm not a liberal I'm not traditional I'm not modern I'm not a

feminist I'm not anything one thing I am a lot of so that's part of where I get my

you know opinions is based on what I curate myself so here is today's topic that is men

lead women follow I can get behind that if we're talking about dancing I don't have a problem with

that but I have been searching high and low looking for any kind of data or

research that supports the idea that in a heterosexual relationship of course is what we're talking about here that

women submitting and or having the men lead makes are a happy and healthy relationship so I

know this is going to be controversial so please go by all means DM knee if you

find any research now yes of course you're going to find some research in a Bible but as I

said I'm not a religious person and I'm looking for the signs in the research

that actually going to support that this makes for a happy and healthy relationship and I have not found anything

but I hear this all the time so here's the background for why I brought this topic

I actually had someone reach out to me and she wanted to work with me on coaching which

you know it's still a conversation we may be working together so I just basically

said during that conversation what are you looking for in a man and obviously speaking to a woman and

she said oh well you know the usual suspects six feet tall someone who makes a

lot of money or who makes as much money as I do or more someone who's

willing to get married and have children and a man who leaves and I said okay well

what does that mean what does it mean for a man to lead and she said

well I don't know someone I can submit to and allow him to make the decisions for our family

I asked you know what type of work do you do and she said well I'm a

lawyer and I was like oh okay so are you planning to leave your career when you have children and

she's like no only for maternity leave and I said okay and are you willing to give up

all your decision-making to your spouse because he's going to be the one that leads and she's like

well you know it's something that I would consider is what I've been taught to think that you know I

should be doing that and that's what's going to make it a happy and healthy

relationship and I said okay so if your spouse decides to do something that's going to get you

into legal trouble is that something that you would go along with and she said of course not okay

so why do I say this because people I believe men and women are looking for a partnership there looking

to partner with someone that is compatible where they have similar values and where they both can step up

to the plate when it's needed when they can each bring their unique weak skills to help support and

build together I really am so opposed to this idea that men have to lead women as

if we're all bunch of Damsel in Distress does it mean that you know I don't believe

that you should nurture your partner that you should you know that you can do things for your partner and

I mean listen I like I said I don't consider myself one thing I will cook dinner for husband

I do the laundry I clean the house I do all these things as a choice and

it's something that we've negotiated that works for us as a couple but if something is

happening if anything major needs to be decided we come together as a team and we work

on it together it's not just his decision or just my decision and so every time I

hear this idea that women want men who are going to lie lead them I just feel that it's more

of an indoctrination into thinking this way because I believe that everyone has agency everyone is responsible for

themselves but also when you come together as a team and as a couple you're supporting

one another because God forbid something happens to you your man who's leading you need to step up

and do what you need to do to keep everything together so I believe that both

men and women really want to partner and to have equal say or at least have conversations together

in order to make those decisions that actually affect the relationship in the family and the children but here's where

the science comes in the science behind a happy relationship is being open to influence a man

allowing a woman to influence them right so there's this ongoing long-term study by The gottman Institute which

is I consider the gottman's my mentors because I have seen the work that they've

done since the 1970s and how effective and how on track their stuff is and here's what

they've come up with that men who are emotionally intelligent and who allow women their spouse to

influence them that doesn't mean you have to agree okay because allowing someone to influence you just

means that you're validating them and again validation doesn't mean that you're agreeing right those men tend

to have happier and healthier relationships and those who don't those who deal with the conversations I stonewalling by

being negative or not respecting their spouse their female spouse those guys are 81 percent likely to end in divorce

and some people might say hey no big deal you know everybody gets divorced well it is a

big deal it's a big deal for your children it's a big deal for your finances and it's

a big deal for all of the people around you who are affected by it right

so if you want to have a happy and healthy relationship the ideal scenario in

a scenario is to be emotionally responsive and maintaining that commitment and that respect it to me conjures up

this feeling of not having agency not having free will or just not having you know I don't even

know what how to put it it just gives me this visceral you know and this is of course total

opinion right because this is my opinion because that's just not the way I operate in

the world even though I have a great marriage with a husband who has a lot of say in what

we do of course I respect him he's got expertise and things that I don't you know

I'll consider anything that he wants to do or say no anything we we confer we're Partners we collaborate

there's no you know he's in charge I'm in charge we are true partners and I really believe

that that is what makes a relationship work and it's what the science shows and even you know like after

putting people into brain scan controlling your feelings and stress and maintaining a positive view

about your partner that doesn't mean with each other respecting each other and not feeling subordinate

or in charge or you know like you're oppressing someone that is what makes for a

great relationship so do I believe that a man needs to lead absolutely not unless we're

dancing and that's what I have for you today I'd love to hear your comments feel

free to DM me if you find anything data to the contrary like legit good data I

would love to no because I keep hearing this all the time and I don't believe in it

I understand that there's something in the Bible about this but I just don't believe in it

so that is what I have for you today I hope you have a great day