welcome everyone to the get real get love show I am your host Arlene Washburn and today we

are covering a very interesting topic about chronic illness and went to bring this up when you

start dating and thanks to one of my colleagues Lori who sent me a text message this morning

about something that was sent to her by someone who's pursuing her online and it's just unbelievable the kind of

stuff that people share or so I thought it would be appropriate to talk a little bit about this

topic so first you know I like the data like the stats I want to share with you that

around 40% that's like over 130 million people in the US are dealing with chronic illness and as people

age that number of approximately 40 percent goes to almost 100% meaning that almost 100% of the people

as they age are dealing with chronic illness so first let's take away any of the shame that people feel

about their particular situation right because the reality is that almost everybody else is dealing

with a problem so let's just establish that but that said it doesn't mean that you show up on

dates or you start corresponding when you first meet someone online that you actually haven't

even met in person and start talking about your medical procedures whatever issues you had or you know

whatever you're dealing with is just not appropriate and I just always like to remind singles that dating

is a dance that first there's certain things that you want to establish in the

relationship before you start disclosing intimate information right and intimacy is not just about sex I think a lot of

people equate intimacy with sex but it's really deeply sharing some of your inner thoughts or

experiences or anything that's happening in your life that you feel you can share because you build that

trust like and confidence and you know that you want to get to that next level with someone so

I want to just say from the onset that not disclosing information about your chronic

illness that's not being deceived full and it's not doing the bait and switch as many many my

think and I think a lot of the folks that treat First Dates as you know moment where you

just sort of disclose everything about yourself they feel deeply that you know I am who I

am I want to share everything up front and see if someone even wants to you know spend

time with me after knowing all of these things but it is counter-intuitive and this is not the way to

go about it get it right you want to first develop a relationship or connection Common Ground Etc that

then proceeds to go deeper and deeper people always have the option to opt out at any time during

these interactions including even people who have been together for 20 years 30 years 40 years

get divorce and everything else so don't ever think that you're doing something deceitful by managing how you disclose your

information and do it in a manner that feels comfortable for you so it's really really important to embrace that

mindset because I think the opposite is what's happening to many folks who are out there and I'll give

you an example aside from the text messages that I that I received earlier today from Lori I had someone

that I can introduce beautiful woman great match for someone that I had introduced to

her he happened to be a doctor and on the first first date she disclosed that she had had breast

cancer now there's nothing wrong with anyone who has had cancer obviously you know it's so common it's

insane it's a shame but that is the reality right but just disclosing that information on the

first date did not allow for a connection to happen even though they were very compatible and there

was a good possibility that that might have been a connection for the long term but because is too much

too soon and I guess maybe the person might have felt comfortable that they were

talking to a physician they went ahead and disclose this information and there you know that one piece of

information immediately broke the potential bond that could have happened there so as I said

it's not that you know you're doing the bait and switch is that you need

to feel comfortable when you share this type of information with someone you don't have to rush

through it it's not you know it's just not mandatory for you to share your personal

information with a complete stranger and I think sometimes when people are online and they

believe their online to develop a personal information I'm sorry a personal relationship one that ultimately

leads to connection intimacy marriage dating excetera that has to happen over time you know timing is such an important

part of connection people think that is just checking criteria and having things in common you know

there's just a lot that goes into it and timing sometimes is a factor timing of when people are ready

and timing of how you disclose details so I want to share with you a couple of ideas

and you know where this this is not a topic about first dates right however I do want

to share with you let me just pull up my notes Here I think I got rid of

them before some things that you don't want to talk about am not going to give you the laundry list

because it could go on and on but I would certainly include in there on first dates do

not talk about chronic health issues do not talk about your medical procedures don't talk about past trauma

anything about your ex or any past relationships for that matter and don't ask don't

ask people these questions either right share about it don't ask about it and definitely don't talk about sex

or how many sexual partners you've had in the past these are just some basic taboo

subjects for First Dates okay and I know that people who are quote unquote intentional dating

right want to just put it all out there right in front but I don't believe that that is

the right process and a lot of the data that I've gone through and I in you to stay

on top of that shows that this is not the best method for word and remember you have to

build rapport trust interest in one another before you build intimacy right because contrary to as I said

to what people may think intimacy goes beyond sex it includes intimate conversations and you know sharing things

to have in your personal life so when you decide and again there are so many that are very comfortable

talking about whatever chronic ailment or illness that they are dealing with but some people are just not ready comfortable

or haven't even really thought about how do I present this information so my suggestion to

you is figure it out figure out exactly how you want to disclose this when the time is right so

it could be that maybe you can't really talk about it and you send someone a note

note you might even send some references of things so that they understand it it could be that

you bring it up when you're having a good time but at the same time don't don't this is my

thing right don't tell people we need to talk because the minute you tell anybody we need

to talk that already sets the tone for negativity and trepidation and people feel uncomfortable

and they feel like oh my gosh what's coming so bring it up cash really and

conversation and you yourself need to be at ease with it right because if you are stressed out about

it then you're gonna send that energy to the person that you're talking to and what you

want to look for in terms of the your partner right over time when you're ready

to have this conversation you want someone who is actually listening intently right they're not cutting you off someone who

feels like a sense of empathy like they care about whatever it is that you're saying

to them so when was actually curious and wants to understand how this affects your

life not their life but your life and someone who kind of lets you tell them

the entire story and how this came about or whatever the case may be right that shows

that someone is a potential keeper and someone who's really genuinely interested and at that point you probably have already

established I would say you should have established a rapport and all the other things that I mentioned before

on the other hand if these are some flags that you might want to look for right if someone

if you're explaining to them your situation and someone shuts down you know you can tell what their body

language you can tell what you know whatever like they have nothing to add to the conversation they can't even

continue a conversation and there's a lot of reasons for that right because someone who maybe

has past trauma of having lost someone with a particular chronic illness that maybe you're dealing with could have you

know a lot of trepidation about pursuing that type of relationship you may not like it

but that's just the reality of it right the other thing is is another red flag is when people downplay

this when you know or insinuate that it's like in your head something like that I know there's certain

diseases or illnesses or whatever you want to call them that are not very apparent

to people and so they want to sort of downplay or even Gaslight you into thinking that there's

nothing wrong if you know like that's that's just not the way to deal with

life if there's something that's wrong you need to address it and the people around you

need to acknowledge that this is the reality and also if somebody someone starts to immediately you know complain

or talk about how this is going to affect their life this is a red flag and also if they

have a problem kind of putting themselves in your shoes right to try to really understand and

connect with you so these are some of the red flags but I just want

to remind everyone that chronic illness does not define you okay so you are more in

that and you shouldn't feel shame or unworthiness of love because you might have a

chronic illness or a mental health issue right I have people in my life that I that

are very near and dear to me that have a mental health issue that is treated with medication right and

so they have a perfectly normal life as long as they're on the medication it doesn't

mean that they're not worthy of love it doesn't mean that they're not intelligent capable beautiful and able to

sustain a happy and healthy relationship they just need to be on that medication right so it's

important for people to understand your situation so you need to take the time to

explain it especially they don't know anything about it in terms of how it affects your life excetera but

please please do not feel shame because your chronic illness does not define you and you know that's pretty much

what I wanted to share with you you that take your time when you're dating when you feel comfortable disclosing

hopefully by then there's already been an established Rapport a genuine desire to know more

about each other and you know there's a connection there's a level of trust and there's a

level of interest in one another and then you can disclose that information and if you're

not comfortable doing so start today to practice us and figuring out how you want to communicate that

if you can't do it verbally right something have somebody else review it that maybe can help

give you some guidance of course feel free to reach out to me I'm happy to help you with that

but it is important to at some point disclose it because there needs to be a level

of transparency for there to be a true connection just wait until the timing is right and only you

will know that right because every everyone's experience about you know they feel in the

connection that they have is unique to them as a couple this is not there's not a

one-size-fits-all there's not a set day or a number of days excetera so I wanted

to share that with you I also would like to invite you all to our upcoming chat

love insect show and today's topic that we're covering is how your limiting beliefs might

be keeping you single and what you can do about it so that'll be on tonight there is

the URL for anyone who's interested and until next week Wednesday 2:00 p.m. Eastern Standard Time I want you to

remember that everyone deserves to love and be loved I'll see you then cheers